Just a thought...

Saturday, 4/30/11, I was at the Utah Infertility Awareness Event at the University of Utah. I did learn some new things, mostly how to strengthen my relationship with my husband. A lot of the things that were covered either didn't apply to my situation with infertility, or I had already known, but still, it's always good to be around people who know what you are going through. {Side note: a few people came with babies... to an infertility event... can we say "insensitive"? Even after having a child, one still struggles with infertility, but to bring a baby when you know there are others around who are struggling, hurting, and you've been there & felt that heartache & sadness... REALLY?!}
After the event, some of the girls from the infertility group I go to met up at a restaurant close to the campus. One of them said something that I've felt for a while:

One of the most frustrating aspects of infertility is that now that we are unable to naturally conceive a baby on our own, society & medical professionals see us as no longer having the right to be parents. However, if we can come up with enough money, there's a chance we can have the privilege of becoming parents.

Kinda hurtful... When it comes to adoption, there are SO many hoops that have to be jumped through. Providing financial proof a child can be supported, Proof of mental stability, background check, having enough money for the adoption fees, etc. Anyone else out there not experiencing infertility can get pregnant, no questions asked. You can just take your baby home without proving to anyone you have the means to provide for your child, no background checks are done, and you can be as mental as the next person! But that is your baby, you gave birth, so you have the right to raise that child. Where are our rights? Why is there no consideration on behalf of infertile couples to have the RIGHT to parenthood? Aside from adopting pets as children, that seems to be all the "rights" we have (at least as far as affordability is concerned). I really feel that the government & insurance companies need to take a long hard look at infertility & how it affects couples and the ability to become parents. Not to mention the ridiculous costs associated with infertility treatments!

Anyway, I think this is weighing on my mind more than normal right now since Mother's day is a mere 5 days away. It's never an easy day for me (or anyone else in my shoes) This year though, as opposed to focusing on my empty arms & hurting heart, I think I'm going to try and take it for what it was when I was little: A day to celebrate my mother, what she's done for me & what she means to me. Plain and simple! I've been praying for strength everyday this week & plan to continue; hopefully Heavenly Father will take pity on me & help me get through this one day. May you also feel His strength if you are also going through infertility, God bless!

What Now?

It's still hard, day after day, seeing others post about their children or being pregnant. And I have gotten a lot of feedback, either stories or advice. Some good and some that just made me cry:

-          I know someone who was told she couldn’t have kids, and now she has (X)# of them!

-          We had friends who adopted after being told they couldn’t have babies, after they adopted, the wife got pregnant!

-          Just quit stressing over it, as soon as you stop worrying, it’ll happen

-          You’ll have a baby, I just know it

-          What about fostering?

-          Look into adoption

-          Maybe you just weren’t meant to be a mother

-          If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen

-          You’re lucky you can’t have kids

-     You can have my kids...

-          You know, in the past, women who were infertile were considered unclean or unworthy (Yes someone actually said that to me. It took everything in me not to burst out crying and sock the guy in the face)

There has been more words of advice and offers of comfort, I know people are just trying to be helpful and they genuinely care. The things are said mostly out of love and kindness (and a little bit out of not knowing what else to say.) In the end, it’s all just empty talk for me.  In most cases, those women that got pregnant after being told they couldn’t probably didn’t have the same problem I do. And it’s not like just letting go of everything will make it all better either.

I didn't think I was going to make a resolution this year, but I did anyway... that is, "To be more positive" not only about the infertility, but my life in general. I read a book by Kerstin Daynes called Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing. I can't even begin to describe the comfort I got from that book! If you, or anyone else you know is dealing with infertility (man or woman) look into getting this book for them! I think it was a life saver for me. I learned that I am NOT alone, and that there are others out there feeling the same things & dealing with the same issues as I am. After having read this amazing book, I also found and joined a support group. From the first meeting I felt so much comfort! Just to be with other women who knew exactly how I felt! The stories are all full of familiar heartbreak, but there's an understanding to it. Not just empty words & nodding heads, but a real grasp of how you're feeling inside because they're going through the same thing. The only hard part for me is that these women all seem to be able to afford treatment, while I'm still sitting idle waiting for a miracle that I'm convinced will never happen. Even so, I'm not being negative, just realistic. I'm back on birth control again to cope with the hot flashes, I just couldn't take them anymore, and also to put estrogen back into my body. I didn't realize that not being on birth control or Hormone Replacement Therapy was depriving my body of hormones that I needed to stay balanced & healthy. I was putting myself at higher risk for osteoporosis, and other things. Amazing what a little pill can do! Haha! Anyway, being back on birth control of course diminishes any chance of conceiving naturally, which is why I was staying off them & dealing with hot flashes for so long. Oddly, I think there's a bit of relief in knowing I won't naturally conceive now. I won't be sitting here month after month thinking "Maybe...." "I could be" "It's possible" No more false hope is strangely liberating! I think mostly because it means my future is in my hands (kind of) Now it's up to me to decide when & how... So long as the Lord is willing & if/when we can ever afford it. Say a little prayer for me, and I'll keep trying to stay positive!