I've just had my 30th birthday. I say had instead of celebrated, because for me, there wasn't much to celebrate. It's hard to recall the past 30 years of your life & not see any huge accomplishments. I've never gotten a college degree, never made any huge contribution to the world, but mostly... I've never gotten to experience the great calling of motherhood. Let's just say I spent this birthday crying off & on throughout the day.
Today, while contemplating on my "horrible" birthday, I was hit in the head with an old saying: "Life is what you make it". Yup! I can go back to college when ever I want (once I decide what in the world it is that I want to do!) Perhaps I haven't solved world hunger, but I know that I've been an influence in more than one life. As for children... maybe it will happen, maybe not, I don't honestly know, but God knows, and I need to learn to put my trust & faith in Him. I can honestly say that since the discovery of the infertility, I haven't put too much on His shoulders, instead, I've carried all the burden on mine. Over the course of 4-5 years, it's getting pretty darn heavy!!! I think too, that I need to use my husband's shoulder to cry on a little more as well.
One of the biggest things I think a women experiencing infertility craves more than anything else (aside from a baby) is knowing she is not alone! I feel that's one of the biggest reasons I wasn't excited to move to Utah & still dislike being here... feeling so alone!! I left all of my friends back in Virginia, and I work from home here so I'm hardly ever around people, which makes my feelings of isolation more and more valid. Although, I have the girls from my infertility support group, and I've started feeling more comfortable around a some of the girls from church, so maybe I'm not as alone as I feel! So maybe instead of waiting for someone else to invite me out for something, I need to try to make plans to go out with some of my new friends to build upon the relationship. It doesn't need to be centered around my "issues", I'd rather it wasn't anyway, being able to forget even for a minute is such a blessing. And I don't always need to be told that it's going to be ok, I know it will be... on some days... and on others it won't be. That's just how it is!
