The first night I was told about my infertility, the bishop of my church came over to see me. He asked me if I was mad at God. I could honestly answer at that moment that I wasn't. There was no point at being mad at God since He was the only one that could get me through it. I said that being mad at Him wouldn't make him say "Oh, you're mad at me! Don't be mad, here, you can get pregnant. There, is that better?" And for a while I honestly stood by that. However, as time when by, my sister & friends got pregnant, I had a scare with ovarian cancer, and NOTHING was happening with any solution I started to lose faith. I'm the kind of person where when there's a problem, I want either an immediate solution, or I want a solution with a plan of action in place. I can't just sit there idly & not know what I need to do next. Unfortunately, that's just what happened.
In looking at our options we basically had 5 things we could do to solve the infertility
1) Just accept it - Basically accept that we were never meant to be parents.
2) Foster Parents - it's the cheapest option if we want to be parents, since we would take the child(ren) in and then the cost to adopt would be significantly reduced.
3) Adoption - More expensive, and then there's no telling how soon we would get a child since we'd be placed on a waiting list & have to wait for someone else to decide that we were good enough to give their baby to. No telling how long that would take!
4) Surrogacy - Even more expensive, Have someone carry a baby for us. Either using a donor embryo, or the surrogate's egg & Sam's sperm. So I basically get left out of the entire deal...
5) In-Vetro Fertilization - My favorite option but definitely the most expensive, I get to have the baby. No matter if we use my little sister as a donor, or a random donor's egg or even a donor embryo.
No matter what option we chose, aside from the first, we were facing the heartache of either never being chosen, waiting for months, possibly years until we got a child or could adopt, or handing out thousands upon thousands of dollars to adopt, have a surrogate, or me go through IVF which could then still end in heartbreak if the pregnancy didn't take, and then we are out all that money, and more miserable than before. Adding to that, it seemed that the I lost the supportive husband that went to all the appointments with me at first, the husband that was there with me through all the tears. Now that we had these choices to make, I was alone. Sam just seemed to distance himself from it all. He didn't want to do foster parenting because he wasn't sure he could take the pain of having to give the child back if that was the decision of the courts. But then he didn't want to adopt because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to connect with the child. Then having a surrogate or going through IVF was is so expensive it's just out of the question. So I started feeling very alone. I started getting the idea in my mind that, yes, Sam wants a family... He just doesn't want one with me! We have these options, but none of them are solutions for him, the only way he wants a family with me is if I can have a baby like every other normal woman out there... naturally! I got it into my head that eventually, he would just leave me because I couldn't provide the family I know he wants. I even started having dreams about it (and still do to this day). Dreams where he would come to me and say, "Sarah, I love you, but I want a family and you just can't give that to me. I'm sorry, but I want a divorce."
Between the days, weeks, & months going by with no solution or plan in sight, seeing so many women around me becoming pregnant & having babies, and the ever growing feeling that I was alone in this and being so sure that Sam would leave me anyway, I slipped into a deep depression. It came to the worst point in 2009, about a year after the diagnosis. I didn't want to do anything any more. I'd play The SIMS and just get lost in it for hours on end, or I just wanted to stay in bed & be left alone. I became distant with Sam. I stopped going to church every Sunday. It hurt to much to sit there and watch the families during sacrament. I would just sit there & stare at the new babies. I hated watching the fathers with their children the most. I was the most hurt that I was ruining Sam's life because I could never give him those moments. On the weekdays it got to the point were I would wait until the very moment possible before I could finally convince myself that I needed to get out of bed & go to work because I had a job to do and people were depending on me to be there to do it. Most days it was my job that I was even able to get out of bed... I didn't want to face the day & reality that was now my life. I contemplated suicide, but not the conventional way. Not in that I would hurt myself, but maybe I'd get in a freak accident, or be a victim of a robbery at 7-11... weird things like that. My depression got so bad that Sam expected me to just up & leave. And I honestly thought about it. I didn't want to keep ruining his life anymore. I figured I could just pack my things & go, and I didn't think he would care. I started pushing him away. I guess I figured if I pushed him away, and he did leave, then it was my doing and not his, and it would hurt less if he did want to leave me.
Then the other shoe dropped. It was the lowest point of my depression. One night my little sister called and I mentioned that it seemed that Sam & I were in different worlds. She said something to her husband & his advice was to just leave it alone, not to talk to my husband about it because it would probably just make things worse. I didn't listen to my brother-in-law. That night when I was laying in bed, Sam came in to lay down & go to sleep. I asked, "Sam, do you love me?" He said "Yes." I pressed a little further: "Are you in love with me?" Then came a pause. "Sam?" Still nothing. I repeated the question again. After a silence that took forever came a faint "No." I knew it was coming, but I still couldn't believe it. I jumped out of bed & turned the light on. After a heated discussion Sam spent the night on the couch & I stayed in bed trying to make sense of everything, trying to figure out what was going to come next. Divorce? Was I right all along & Sam really did want to leave me because of my problem?
The following morning, I tried to go to work. I knew I couldn't call in to take a personal day because I didn't want to stay home with all the "happy" photos of us on the wall. Unfortunately I didn't last more than an hour at work. One of my coworkers just looked at my face, asked if I was alright, and I started sobbing. I was able to gather myself together for a while, then another coworker asked if I was ok. Again, I lost it, this time my supervisor saw me. I explained as best I could between hysterical tears what happened & was sent home. I drove around for a while not wanting to go back to the house. After about an hour of aimless driving, I just went home. I was mentally and physically exhausted from little to no sleep the night before & still trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened. Eventually Sam got home & said he made an appointment to talk to the bishop & asked if I wanted to go. I wasn't sure since I didn't know if he meant to tell the bishop he was done, but I decided if he was there was really nothing I could do about it & it's best to know now then just keep wondering, so I went. The bishop talked to Sam first, then me, then both of us together. Based on what each of us had told him, our bishop concluded that we still cared deeply about one another. He believed that we could save our marriage if that's what we wanted to do, and we both agreed.
We began seeing a councilor. We went every other Wednesday for a couple hours at a time. At this point my older sister was getting remarried & the wedding was getting close. I had quit wearing my wedding ring the day Sam said said he was not in love with me anymore. I gave it to Sam and told him that if he decided he wanted me to have it back, he could give it to me, but he had to be the one to make the decision. At this point neither of our families knew what was going on between us & I didn't want to say anything now. (Especially since my older sister turned into bridezilla & DEMANDED that no one do ANYTHING to ruin her big day... even if it was her 2nd big day...) So I told Sam that I wanted us to wear our rings to keep up appearances. He agreed, and we went on our trip to Michigan for the wedding. It was a pretty good trip and we actually had a better time that we had expected. Upon returning, I took my ring back off & handed it to Sam, he handed it right back to me to start wearing again. We went to another session with the councilor, and decided that we were back on track enough that we could stop going. From that point on, things started getting better. Not a complete miraculous turn around, it took some time, but I'm definitely in a much better, brighter place now, than I was then!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Infertility...
The start of my story
My husband, Sam & I decided that we would wait a few years after getting married in 2004, before we'd have children. We wanted to enjoy being married to each other & get more established first. So I stayed on my birth control that I had been on since I was 18 due to irregular menstruation cycles. The doctor just decided that was the easiest fix instead of looking into any other underlying causes. By just over 2 1/2 years, I was ready to start trying, so I came off my birth control in August of 2006. Not long after, I started having severe hot flashes& night sweats, and no period, or pregnancy. Around the end of October, still having these symptoms, I went to my primary care doctor to see what she had to say about it. This doctor was never very personable, she's the type that wants to get you in, get you out & out of her way... All she had to tell me what that it was my body adjusting to the hormones... That I should just wait it out & I'd be back to normal. So I took her advice, but by the end of December that year, I was still having the hot flashes, and no other activity... So I took my problem to an OB/GYN for a 2nd opinion...
Oddly enough I chose this OB out of the phone book randomly after having a failed attempt contacting the first place I found who couldn't see me for another 2 months! Come to find out my doctor & the clinic specialized in infertility. So I went to the office, and explained what I was going through. The doctor decided to do some blood tests & told me she'd contact me to discuss the results after she got them. A few weeks later and just after my 25th birthday in January of 2007, the doctor called me at work around 8:30am, I'll never forget that day: I was asked if I could come to the office at the end of the day which was 3:00 pm for her, that way we could take all the time we needed to discuss the results of my blood work, and "can you bring someone with you?" Those words are never a good sign. I hesitated a bit, I'm sure she could sense my fear because she asked if I was sure she could just tell me. I told her I'd rather she did, or I'd go crazy all day waiting. Then, the news that shook my entire world: "Sarah, I've gone over your results, and you are postmenopausal, you can't have children. I'm so sorry, you're hormone levels are off the charts and I about fell out of my chair when I read them. It took so long for me to get back to you because I had them retested to be sure." I kept my composure for the remainder of the conversation, including the confirmation that I would be at her clinic at 3. I hung up the phone, closed my office door, and just cried for a couple minutes. I was terrified at the call I'd have to make next, call my husband at work & tell him. I took a moment to gather myself together, picked up the phone, & called. I can't recall what I said, I was a mess. I know I asked him if he could meet me at home as soon as possible. After my call with him, I had to tell my supervisor I needed to leave for the day. I'm sure at that point it was written all over my face something was terribly wrong, when I got to my supervisors office, her door was closed, her supervisor was in with her, but with one look at me through the glass walls of her office, she got up & let me in right away. I just spilled everything out, and bawled right there in the office for a few minutes. After convincing them I could keep myself together long enough to drive myself home, they let me leave. The drive home seemed to take forever, lots longer than the 10 minutes it took me to get there. Once inside I just started crying again. Then Sam got home... When He walked in the door, I just rant to him & kept apologizing. He was great, just kept reassuring me. We went out to lunch to try and pass some time before the appointment. Finally 3:00 came around and we met with the doctor. She basically said the same things she told me over the phone, along with "there's no cure, there's no surgery." She offered to send us to the New Hope Center to speak with an infertility specialist & we agreed. Later that day, the center called us to let us know they had a cancellation & could get us in the next day. Sam and I went to the clinic, I was examined, had blood drawn & sent on my way. Once the results came back Sam & I went back in & the nurse verified the same thing my OB told me. Then we were asked to wait so we could speak with Dr. Robin, the founder of the clinic. We walked into her office, and the look on her face said it all for me. She just shook her head and said "I'm just so sorry." She told me what I was facing is called Premature Ovarian Failure. It's very uncommon for women my age to have. Basically it's going into menopause before the age of 40. She discussed our options & tried to reassure me: Don't let money be an issue, we don't want you to leave here without making you a mommy!" Easy for her to say.. No matter what option we went with, it was going to be anywhere from $20,000-$25,000 for an IVF procedure!
Adding insult to injury
I told my family about my diagnosis. Without skipping a beat my little sister offered to do whatever she could to help me, whether it be donating eggs, being a surrogate, anything, she would do it. Then, about two weeks later, called to tell me she was pregnant with her first baby... a couple weeks after that, my friend & next door neighbor told me she was pregnant. Both times, I just lost it. WHY?! When my little sister strayed from the church, smoked, drank, partied, had a minimum wage job, wasn't married... WHY could she have a baby & not me?! I wasn't a bad person, I stayed strong in the church, I was married, had a good job, good husband, I had done EVERYTHING right in my life! It wasn't fair. Maybe I was being punished, that had to be it! I messed up and didn't save myself until I got married, this is God's way of punishing me for that... And I stuck to that for a very long time! One by one, it seemed that my friends were getting pregnant. It finally got to the point where I couldn't go to baby showers anymore because I'd just come home and cry.
Hope?
I was determined not to take anything for the hot flashes, I didn't want to be on any kind of birth control in case there was a chance at all I could get pregnant, and a year after coming off the birth control & having my life turned upside down, I had a period in August of 2008. I was elated, especially since the following month, I had another one! I called my OB & went in for an exam and she set me up for an ultrasound. Sam came in with me, & the nurse started the monitor. She said "Have you been doing some praying?" I just looked at Sam, then back at her & said "Yes!" She said, well, there appears to be some activity there (before there wasn't any, no eggs, no follicles, nothing) She took some pictures of my ovaries & took them to the doctor for review. Then her new news: One of the follicles looked "strange". Next thing I knew, I was faced with the possibility of ovarian cancer, which led to about 5 months of going to the OB once a month to monitor the progression of the suspicious cell. Thankfully, it shrank & went away on it's own, no cancer! After that 2nd month of having a period, there's been nothing since. Seems that was it. so much for hope... I tried not to get my hopes up, but I failed. It was a hard pill to swallow. After that, depression started to set in...
My husband, Sam & I decided that we would wait a few years after getting married in 2004, before we'd have children. We wanted to enjoy being married to each other & get more established first. So I stayed on my birth control that I had been on since I was 18 due to irregular menstruation cycles. The doctor just decided that was the easiest fix instead of looking into any other underlying causes. By just over 2 1/2 years, I was ready to start trying, so I came off my birth control in August of 2006. Not long after, I started having severe hot flashes& night sweats, and no period, or pregnancy. Around the end of October, still having these symptoms, I went to my primary care doctor to see what she had to say about it. This doctor was never very personable, she's the type that wants to get you in, get you out & out of her way... All she had to tell me what that it was my body adjusting to the hormones... That I should just wait it out & I'd be back to normal. So I took her advice, but by the end of December that year, I was still having the hot flashes, and no other activity... So I took my problem to an OB/GYN for a 2nd opinion...
Oddly enough I chose this OB out of the phone book randomly after having a failed attempt contacting the first place I found who couldn't see me for another 2 months! Come to find out my doctor & the clinic specialized in infertility. So I went to the office, and explained what I was going through. The doctor decided to do some blood tests & told me she'd contact me to discuss the results after she got them. A few weeks later and just after my 25th birthday in January of 2007, the doctor called me at work around 8:30am, I'll never forget that day: I was asked if I could come to the office at the end of the day which was 3:00 pm for her, that way we could take all the time we needed to discuss the results of my blood work, and "can you bring someone with you?" Those words are never a good sign. I hesitated a bit, I'm sure she could sense my fear because she asked if I was sure she could just tell me. I told her I'd rather she did, or I'd go crazy all day waiting. Then, the news that shook my entire world: "Sarah, I've gone over your results, and you are postmenopausal, you can't have children. I'm so sorry, you're hormone levels are off the charts and I about fell out of my chair when I read them. It took so long for me to get back to you because I had them retested to be sure." I kept my composure for the remainder of the conversation, including the confirmation that I would be at her clinic at 3. I hung up the phone, closed my office door, and just cried for a couple minutes. I was terrified at the call I'd have to make next, call my husband at work & tell him. I took a moment to gather myself together, picked up the phone, & called. I can't recall what I said, I was a mess. I know I asked him if he could meet me at home as soon as possible. After my call with him, I had to tell my supervisor I needed to leave for the day. I'm sure at that point it was written all over my face something was terribly wrong, when I got to my supervisors office, her door was closed, her supervisor was in with her, but with one look at me through the glass walls of her office, she got up & let me in right away. I just spilled everything out, and bawled right there in the office for a few minutes. After convincing them I could keep myself together long enough to drive myself home, they let me leave. The drive home seemed to take forever, lots longer than the 10 minutes it took me to get there. Once inside I just started crying again. Then Sam got home... When He walked in the door, I just rant to him & kept apologizing. He was great, just kept reassuring me. We went out to lunch to try and pass some time before the appointment. Finally 3:00 came around and we met with the doctor. She basically said the same things she told me over the phone, along with "there's no cure, there's no surgery." She offered to send us to the New Hope Center to speak with an infertility specialist & we agreed. Later that day, the center called us to let us know they had a cancellation & could get us in the next day. Sam and I went to the clinic, I was examined, had blood drawn & sent on my way. Once the results came back Sam & I went back in & the nurse verified the same thing my OB told me. Then we were asked to wait so we could speak with Dr. Robin, the founder of the clinic. We walked into her office, and the look on her face said it all for me. She just shook her head and said "I'm just so sorry." She told me what I was facing is called Premature Ovarian Failure. It's very uncommon for women my age to have. Basically it's going into menopause before the age of 40. She discussed our options & tried to reassure me: Don't let money be an issue, we don't want you to leave here without making you a mommy!" Easy for her to say.. No matter what option we went with, it was going to be anywhere from $20,000-$25,000 for an IVF procedure!
Adding insult to injury
I told my family about my diagnosis. Without skipping a beat my little sister offered to do whatever she could to help me, whether it be donating eggs, being a surrogate, anything, she would do it. Then, about two weeks later, called to tell me she was pregnant with her first baby... a couple weeks after that, my friend & next door neighbor told me she was pregnant. Both times, I just lost it. WHY?! When my little sister strayed from the church, smoked, drank, partied, had a minimum wage job, wasn't married... WHY could she have a baby & not me?! I wasn't a bad person, I stayed strong in the church, I was married, had a good job, good husband, I had done EVERYTHING right in my life! It wasn't fair. Maybe I was being punished, that had to be it! I messed up and didn't save myself until I got married, this is God's way of punishing me for that... And I stuck to that for a very long time! One by one, it seemed that my friends were getting pregnant. It finally got to the point where I couldn't go to baby showers anymore because I'd just come home and cry.
Hope?
I was determined not to take anything for the hot flashes, I didn't want to be on any kind of birth control in case there was a chance at all I could get pregnant, and a year after coming off the birth control & having my life turned upside down, I had a period in August of 2008. I was elated, especially since the following month, I had another one! I called my OB & went in for an exam and she set me up for an ultrasound. Sam came in with me, & the nurse started the monitor. She said "Have you been doing some praying?" I just looked at Sam, then back at her & said "Yes!" She said, well, there appears to be some activity there (before there wasn't any, no eggs, no follicles, nothing) She took some pictures of my ovaries & took them to the doctor for review. Then her new news: One of the follicles looked "strange". Next thing I knew, I was faced with the possibility of ovarian cancer, which led to about 5 months of going to the OB once a month to monitor the progression of the suspicious cell. Thankfully, it shrank & went away on it's own, no cancer! After that 2nd month of having a period, there's been nothing since. Seems that was it. so much for hope... I tried not to get my hopes up, but I failed. It was a hard pill to swallow. After that, depression started to set in...
Disclaimer:
I've wanted to start a blog for some time now, I'm hoping it will allow me to have a release of my thoughts and feelings instead of keeping them pent up, or suffering alone as I do so much now. Although on Facebook I'm careful about what I say, how I say it, & who I say it to... One thing I need to stress is that this blog will be totally raw, in other words, this is a place for me where I can be totally honest, open, and say whatever is on my mind. There's a chance I could say something to hurt feelings, offend, or upset someone, while this is never my intention, please know that these are all my own personal thoughts, opinions, and words. Mostly though, this is my story, my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)